Narcotic-Compulsive, Creature of Habit

Narcotic-compulsive, creature of habit. That's me. Except for the narcotic part. Nothing is more refined than to wake up at mid-night with the desire to stretch. Stretch your legs back to the brim of no regret. I resume position like a well trained Olympic athlete on the corner of my bed. I sit in the Nirvanic position for 7, dare 8 seconds. Ahhhhhh..... That feels so nice!

When I was a bachelor, I could stretch with no remorse at whatever hour of the day or night. I've been caught guilt free stretching in private and in public. The latter returns wondering looks. There, sprawled out, eyes glaring at this man in his moment of bliss; the bustling hallways between classes at college, before the not so semi-annual 2 1/2 year dental checkup, aisle 7 near the Miracle-Whip (I prefer Miracle-Whip to Mayonnaise). One time half way through the meeting with the companies top notch brass, proceeding with that perfected ritual amidst the onlookers of jealousy. Yep. I'm fine with it.

Now that I am not so single anymore, it is much more complex. I have concluded that from the hours of 2:00a.m. to 4:00a.m., I have two points of leeway, three if I'm lucky before I receive the cold blooded threat that I better stay still from Penny.

Through recent days, I have learned the point-table from trial and error of such marital bliss. This is what I have concluded: 1 point to stretch if I do so without a peep. 1 point for opening the bedroom door to use the restroom down the hall. 2 points for using the bathroom connected to the bedroom. And more 2 points for freeing the shih-tzu (and yes that usually is a whimpy dog but I love him) from his cage and allowing him to sleep on my Serta Sleeper.

It's 3:15a.m.. One trip to the bathroom in the hallway- and a quick given stretch. That was the plan. The problem was Bums (my four legged fluffy friend), awakened with the worst kind of torture known to my ears. Banana-noises. Whether he had a dry mouth or was eating banana's there was no way of knowing. He had ample time to sneak bananas into his bed without me knowing. Always been sneaky. Knowing the sound was his ticket outta there and into my bed.

Releasing him was a risk so great no man could shake. Sorry Bums, drank two cups of water last night. Man down, no way to save 'em. See what tomorrow holds.